"But Mom! I look the same. The same as yesterday."
These were her first words yesterday morning (9/18), when I came into her room & said,
"Happy Birthday Aubree!! You're FOUR years old today!"
Ok... So, maybe I've been playing around with her head a little, joking that when she wakes up on her birthday, she might break her bed because she'll be soooooo big! Aubree's birthday is something we have been discussing now for weeks, it's exciting to talk about the one day that belongs to you, the one day that is only about you. Cute things she's been saying lately before she goes to bed, have been...
"I'm going to grow up Mom, but I'll always be YOUR kid"
or, "I'm growing up mom, but I'm STILL your kid"
"I'll NEVER leave you, I'll always stay with you" (which I promptly answer "you better!")
Oh, how I know as the years will go on, this will be spoken less & less, more likely, it'll turn a whole 180 degrees. :(
My favorite thing she says & I have to say... It more often comes in a time of need than anything else is:
"You're the best mom EVER".
I have to say, it tends to come at a defeated moment... At the end of a long day, where you're tired, FINALLY putting the kids to bed... and maybe feeling like you could have done more. Feeling like, you need a new day to make everything right, that went wrong.
I have to say, becoming a Mother is challenging. There are many down moments - moments of failure. Moments of "I should have..." or "I could have..." - moments where you regret your lack of patience or wisdom. I have to fight feelings of "wanting" to be selfish. Before children, it's easy to put yourself first - you have no one else who relies on you! In fact, I remember the evening of September 19, 2007, so clearly & how I felt. It was the first night home from the hospital with Aubree, she was about 36 hours old. I was beyond tired - I was physically beat from childbirth & had this tiny child who I could NOT make happy! I remember being hungry & just uncomfortable. I had just gotten her to take a tiny catnap, thinking I could actually eat a meal without cradling her. I had dished up my warm plate of food that my mom had prepared for us (I still remember exactly what the meal was.... Chicken breasts in a mushroom, wine sauce with wild rice & a salad), I had gotten myself a cool, refreshing glass of water, sat at the table & just before my first bite - Aubree started wailing. It was at that moment that I felt myself automatically choosing my child over my own needs. I got up, and chose to comfort her. It's funny, when someone relies on you that much...
You are just forced to be selfless.
It took that moment for me to realize that my life had completely, totally changed. It wasn't a monumental thing, it was just life. My new life.
I'm not saying that parents should ignore their own health, or needs for a child - and, I don't... It's just that love you have, it overtakes your own needs & wants. It's instinctual & after that initial instinct semi-wears off (compared to that initial extent), it's sometimes a struggle to choose the best for your child, over yourself on a daily basis. I guess, it's continually practicing a bit of selflessness & I struggle with it from time to time.
However, I wouldn't choose anything over this vocation of Motherhood. It has taught me a lot about who I am & where my weaknesses lie. My children help me to grow as a person (well, it shows me where I need to grow - the actual "growing" part is still a work in progress).
I am so grateful for Aubree & Preston. I'm grateful for who they are, and for what they have done for me, as a person. I'm especially grateful for Aubree, she's my first child.... and I have to say, that first year of her life (as challenging as it was), was probably one of the happiest years of my life! I look back, and sometimes in moments of sadness, I can reflect on that time in my life & it just feels perfect; I felt so blessed. Between the love of Garrick, our new family & the joy of every new experience/milestone of Aubree's, all of our adventures in parenting... Wow! Becoming a parent has the most magical moments!
Since yesterday was Aubree's birthday... I should be writing about her, not me - although I'm always flooded with my own emotions during the kid's birthdays, reflecting on all the changes.
So... Aubree is amazing! I know every parent thinks their kid is amazing so of course I'm biased here, but Aubree is just a really, really good girl! She is so obedient, she has a great conscience, she is loving, sincere & compassionate. If we say no, she doesn't argue - she accepts her authority. I honestly don't think she has ever had one temper-tantrum out in public (seriously! Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Preston.... hahaha!). Of course she wants things at the store & whatnot and of course more often than not she's not allowed to get it, but she asks & then accepts the answer, even though you can tell she's saddened by the answer. She's reasonable & you can explain things to her; she gets it.
She LOVES imaginary play! She loves "making (stuffed) animals talk", building forts (we build one, almost every day), pretending to be our pet dog, a mommy, a chef, etc. She loves books, we read them often & now she's starting to "read" them too (well, memorize). She loves music & dancing, loves hide & go seek. Loves coloring & drawing pictures of our family. She loves playing dress up in costumes & also just dress-up for herself for the day. She dresses herself everyday & has even been picking out some of her own shoes & clothes at the store. She has her own style & she knows what she likes.
She is such a good big sister!! Honestly, she melts my heart with her love! She's selfless & giving. She just LOVES & ADORES Preston with all of her little heart. She'll give him things that she would rather not hand over. She is patient with him, and so helpful.... she tries to figure out why he's unhappy & always goes to his rescue. I feel so blessed to have Aubree as our firstborn, she has never displayed one ounce of jealousy - not one ounce. Even when we coo over Preston's achievements, she joins us! I'm really impressed by who she is as a person & she makes ME want to be a better person, she's very mature & admirable.
Anyway, I can see that I have already written far too much on here... I just wanted to pay tribute to my sweet, beautiful, loving little four-year old! I love her with everything I am. God knew what she would do to me & for me and He entrusted her little soul with me & I couldn't be more grateful.
I love you, my dear, sweet Aubree - you're a huge piece of my life!!! :)
Ok.... This is the night before her birthday, Garrick blew up all 30 of these balloons, she was in heaven! She LOVES balloons!! Oh & her four favorite colors are Orange, Blue, Pink & Red
(yes... she has 4 favorite colors, this is going to be a good year for her!)
Morning of.... (and, yes... Our bedroom does get this ridiculously bright every morning - darn these East-facing windows!) :)
Aubree never waits longer than 5-15 minutes before dressing herself for the day!
After all the fun, EARLY morning play, we went to an awesome Pancake restaurant, walked around a street fair, went to Toys R Us - so that she could pick out her OWN gift - and Skyped/talked on the phone with various family members. We then had dinner & of course cupcakes, birthday singing (I realized I'm the only one who actually sings the song... darn that non-singing Garrick!!), and then bed at last... What a long "Aubree Day" we had! :)
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